A few days ago, Lark and I were pitching having my book featured at the bookstore of an event Gregg Braden and Dr. Joe Dispenza were doing together here in Sedona. When I heard of it, it was sold out. A friend came, we did our greetings, and Lark told her why we were there, handing her a book. She took a look at the book then looked up at me with a look of bewilderment. Her look hasn’t been the first, nor will it be the last. There’s something missing in the math of my life and a book in the same equation.
I’m getting feedback from readers who know me that they are surprised.
Yeah, me too.
My life has been messy. It has been less messy than a few, and messier than a lot. In preparation for attending a radical treatment program in The Netherlands, I was told to write the story of my childhood. It was 18 pages of small font. I could tell the staff didn’t read very far. A few years later a therapist I gave the document to told me not to ever tell anyone again. She might have read it. Reading about what happened is too uncomfortable, even for professionals. I have spent most of my life trying to live in denial of it.
Transformation is the summary word. My story of transformation is ongoing, it hasn’t arrived. There isn’t hope of arrival, only hope of continual evolution.
It is easier to tell a story when the depression of living it is no longer there. I live quite well and the appearances of my present life look like success, possibly being born with a silver spoon in my mouth, possibly a life of privilege. The math of years of being homeless, usually with employment, often not, doesn’t add up to my life now. The accomplishments, the pieces of education, the travels, and the sometimes unusual adventures were more in spite of than because of.
To tell my life story would mean I understand it. I don’t.
The official bio for the book was difficult to write. I had to find labels. To me labels are poison because they are limitations. Every concept contains its opposite. I like that. Paradox comes closer to wholeness if we embrace paradox without judgment. I know in the moment there is no label I want. I just want to be open to being anything, to having any resource available from within and without.
Perhaps that I have been eliminating labels and identities to give myself more freedom is how something can happen that is observable yet unexplainable. Weird mystical things happen for those who take freedom to the level of freedom from themselves; freedom from concepts of limitation. The freedom we seek is freedom we give ourselves. Freedom cannot be given by anyone or anything else.
I’ll find ways to let you know about my freedom and what it looks like using fallible word creatures we communicate with in the next few blogs. When I began writing this I had no concept of how freedom in now, the moment, the present, enables the mystical, mysterious, unexplainable to happen. I find out new information by writing. This is an example of how freedom in the moment works for me.